September 01, 2010
Why is it that therapists like to teach that there are “signs” when your spouse is having an affair? I’d say that would depend largely on how good your spouse is at lying – or even how good they might be at lying about one thing versus another. I’m really good at lying when it comes to surprising my spouse with a gift but I’m terrible at lying when it comes to something about money or sex. Plus every couple is so vastly different on this that I think it’s irresponsible to talk about “signs” at all to people who might already be extremely anxious about the possibility of an affair.
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August 24, 2010
When the fight for “trust” becomes a fight with each other you can be sure that you are not headed toward a deep and abiding confidence in your partner or in your marriage. Gandhi once said, “There is no path to peace. Peace is the path.” Likewise, there is no path to trust. Trust is the path. This does NOT mean that you should just believe what your partner says and “fake it ‘til you make it”. What is does mean is that if establishing trust involves conflict characterized by anger or desperation then anger and desperation will be the result. If the means involves a certain kind of confidence (a synonym of trust) then confidence – or trust - will be the result.
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July 31, 2010
Restoring trust is not the first task of recovering from an affair. In fact, now is the worst time to be talking about trust. It is really something that can only be done as one of the last parts of your recovery and actually should happen as the result of all your other efforts...
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June 23, 2010
Your first task after an affair is to level the playing field. Your partner, at this moment, has the upper hand. First and foremost, they hold a secret and that means they hold the power because you want to know the secret and it’s completely up to them whether to tell you. Almost everyone I’ve worked with on this says the secret or the lies about the affair are worse than the actual affair(s). And so secrets become a kind of Holy Grail in the recovery process. You desperately beg your partner to unveil them but the secrets prove elusive and impossible to get your hands on.
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May 18, 2010
The worst part of going through an affair is usually not the actual affair – but all the lies, the dishonesty and being played for a fool. But being played for a fool is trickier than it may seem at first. If your spouse has had an affair then you have, in fact, been deceived, or fooled. You have not been turned into a fool, however. That part is up to you...
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