Articles

"'Inequality' In the Bedroom"

In most couples, one partner wants more sex (or love or connection or romance, etc.) than the other. This differential can cause all kinds of difficulties in the relationship, even though it is a natural phenomenon. The partner who wants more often feels lonely, angry, and rejected while the partner who wants "less" often feels badgered, inadequate, and less than. Pop-culture teaches us that men are the higher desire partners, but this is a stereotype. About half of heterosexual couples in my therapy  practice identify the wife as the higher desire partner. Gay and lesbian couples also experience the same difference in sexual desire.

Previous sex therapies have focused on the low desire partner in trying to get him or her interested in sex. Therapy was "successful" if the couple began having more frequent sex or if genital functioning returned. But the inequality in the bedroom persisted. It was almost like the therapy confirmed the lower desire partner’s worst feeling that they were inadequate and less than. A different therapy, known as The Crucible Approach, by David Schnarch, suggests that it is the very "inequality" or power struggle in the bedroom that is the target for work – not frequency of sex. After all, there is no established correlation between sexual satisfaction and frequency of sex. Just because you’re having sex, doesn’t mean that it’s the sex you want to be having!

Resolution for these couples begins with the lower desire person getting clearer about the value of their opinions and deeply held principles and then standing firm in them – generally a tall order for people. The high desire partner’s work begins a bit differently with answering the questions: Why am I desperate for more of the same? What am I really looking for during sex? How am I getting in the way of the intimacy I’m seeking? The opportunity for each partner is an opportunity for growth – for pushing past individual limitations. The focus isn’t on "fixing" your partner or trying to get your partner to "lay off". The focus is on self. As Victor Frankl so eloquently stated, "When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves."

(Please note:  The ideas in this article have been developed and researched by Drs. David Schnarch, Ruth Morehouse, and Susan Regas.  You can read about Dr. Schnarch's work further in his books, Passionate Marriage and Resurrecting Sex.  Audio CD's Secrets of A Passionate Marriage are also highly recommended.)

Fusion Confusion

           Most couples arrive in therapy feeling a great sense of disconnection with their partners.  People are often feeling lonely, sad, and frustrated with this sense that they cannot connect on any level with their partner.  Pop-culture and even many therapies characterize the problem as one of disconnection.  The solution that would naturally come from this way of thinking about the problem is to push for more togetherness – date nights, more talking, back rubs, finding ways to “meet each other’s needs, etc. 

But what if the problem is slightly more complicated than “we aren’t connected enough”?  Couples that I work with come into my office saying how distant their relationship has become – but the tension between them is enormous.  They can’t have a discussion with their partner without having some kind of emotional reaction like wanting to fix their partner’s problems or resenting their partner for not understanding them.  This does not speak of a lack of connection – but of a very intense and emotionally dependent one.  The invisible ties that bind people together create an intensity that makes talking and listening more challenging than they have to be.

            When I suggest this to people for the first time the common response is to say, “But I feel so disconnected”.  And I agree wholeheartedly.  When people have this intense of a link to each other connecting freely and openly becomes impossible. Individuality is lost.  Emotional fusion is the name of the game and it is a confusing and lonely place to be.

            Resolution is a life long process called differentiation.  It is a different kind of connecting in marriage.  It is an ability to maintain autonomy in the context of togetherness.  It is the ability to hold on to your emotional reactions and yourself in the presence of your partner’s own reactivity.  It is one of the most difficult things we do as adults but it is what distinguishes us from children, should we choose this path. 
            (Please note:  The concept of emotional fusion was first developed by Murray Bowen, the father of family and marriage counseling.  The idea has been further by the work of Dr. David Schnarch and can be read about in the afore mentioned books and CD's) 

"Summer, Suntans, and Structure"

     Ahhhh…summer is finally here.  No more waking up at the crack of dawn to catch the school bus – if you’re so lucky as to not have to be at work that early.  No more homework in the afternoons.  No more intense scurrying to make sure the kids are in bed on time.  A more relaxed atmosphere all around!  Right?  I certainly tend to think so, but it’s a fine line in my house.  If I allow too much lackadaisicalness, not only do I suffer, but my children do too.

     My husband and I recently had a Saturday night and Sunday all to ourselves as the children went to spend time at their aunt’s house.  This included all the goodies my in-laws shower upon the children (a.k.a. not a whole lot of rules and structure and generally a whole lot of sweets) plus a trip to the Atlanta Zoo.  The next day, Monday, happened to be the normal day they go to their grandmother’s house during the summer.  So, there you have it, 2 full days with a whole lot of fun and not much structure.

     As you might guess, the girls came back in disarray.  It is what happens when any of us have too much freedom and not enough structure.  We begin to feel miserable and we begin to crave order and the peace that comes with hard work and responsibility. 

     I could have taken this little package dropped at my door in many different ways.  I could have been angry at my in-laws for not adhering to the rules.  I could have been angry at my husband for not being more forceful with his family about holding to our rules.  I could have wallowed in self-pity  and shut down (all of which I’ve done before). 

     Thanks to ScreamFree I have found a new way.  I have been practicing the ScreamFree principles long enough now that my response was natural and instantaneous.  It was clear as a bell ringing in my mind that my girls were thirsty for structure.  They were thirsty for me to help them restore the balance between structure and freedom.  It was a joyful night for me because I got to practice, one more time, being calm while giving my children both space (freedom) and place (rules and consequences).  They got to decide whether to follow the rules or face the consequences without my anger or frustration or self-pity interfering.  They “recovered” from their disarray much more quickly than they usually do.  It ended that night rather than the normal two days later. 

            Incidentally, this kind of calm has opened the door for a better relationship with my in-laws.  I’m actually grateful for the opportunities they provide me to live a life of integrity.  I can blame others for my problems or I can take complete responsibility for my feelings, thoughts, and actions.  I can enjoy the time I have when my children are with them without worrying about what’s coming home to me.

            All families have a certain structure in their homes.  The two extreme ends of the continuum are rigid structure and lackadaisical structure.  Where are you on the continuum?  Where do you want it to be?  Where do your children need it to be?  The path to becoming the ScreamFree parent you’ve always wanted to be starts with one small shift that you can make today.  You become consistent by sticking with that one small shift each day afterward.  You will grow from there, one step at a time.

   

"The Screamer and the Wiener: Parenting and Your Marriage"

     Have you and your partner ever fought over whether he or she was doing their “fair share” of the load when it comes to parenting?  Who’s getting up more in the night? Who is changing all the diapers? Attending more than their fair share of birthday parties?  Sporting events? And those endless summer swim meets?  Who is the “bad guy” (the disciplinarian) and who is the “softy”?  Gone are the days when only one partner (traditionally the mother) is doing everything with the kids.  The norm now is more egalitarian – or at least aspires to be.  In fact, for many couples, working this one out can be a real struggle and strain on the marriage and is often part of why we “scream” at our children. 

     Hal Runkel, author of Scream Free Parenting, teaches that often one parent is the “screamer” while the other has to make up for the screaming by playing what I’m going to call the “wiener” – the nice, passive, or distant parent – ever so lame, like an unseasoned sausage.  Neither side is helpful to the kids or to the marriage, although both sides usually think they are in the right.  The screamer believes herself to be the responsible one and the wiener believes himself to be the relaxed one that brings a bit of fun and lightness to the heaviness of it all.  The more the screamer screams, the more the wiener remains aloof or passive or “instructive” and vice versa.  What both players don’t realize is just how much their behavior perpetuates their partner’s.

     The screamers tend to be over-involved with the kids.  The wieners tend to be under-involved.  Many men have expressed the feeling that they are on the outside looking in – that they feel they have no real say in the day to day and sometimes even in major parenting decisions.  Many women express the feeling that they are the only ones taking responsibility for the kids and they can’t get their husbands to help out.  The more one partner over functions in taking care of every last detail for the kids, the less space there is for the other partner to get involved.  The less this partner gets involved, the more there is left for the other to have to do.  It is the perfect storm.

     It’s the perfect storm because by definition it’s going nowhere but worse.  And worse is generally what makes us finally step up and make a change.            

     The good news is that it only takes one to break the cycle.  If you are the screamer what if you let some of the details go?  What if you stepped back for a minute, just enough to give your partner a bit of space to step up? And then when he does something you disagree with, what if you respond with calm resolve as to why you disagree rather than anger and blaming? 

     If you are the wiener what if you took a stand on what you believe to be the right course of action with your kids without needing your screamer’s approval?  What if you invited her opinions on child rearing but made up your own mind anyway? Not to spite her, but to live more honestly and with self-control in your marriage.

     By the way, “Scream Free Marriage” comes out 2011.