Articles

"'Inequality' In the Bedroom"

In most couples, one partner wants more sex (or love or connection or romance, etc.) than the other. This differential can cause all kinds of difficulties in the relationship, even though it is a natural phenomenon. The partner who wants more often feels lonely, angry, and rejected while the partner who wants "less" often feels badgered, inadequate, and less than. Pop-culture teaches us that men are the higher desire partners, but this is a stereotype. About half of heterosexual couples in my therapy  practice identify the wife as the higher desire partner. Gay and lesbian couples also experience the same difference in sexual desire.

Previous sex therapies have focused on the low desire partner in trying to get him or her interested in sex. Therapy was "successful" if the couple began having more frequent sex or if genital functioning returned. But the inequality in the bedroom persisted. It was almost like the therapy confirmed the lower desire partner’s worst feeling that they were inadequate and less than. A different therapy, known as The Crucible Approach, by David Schnarch, suggests that it is the very "inequality" or power struggle in the bedroom that is the target for work – not frequency of sex. After all, there is no established correlation between sexual satisfaction and frequency of sex. Just because you’re having sex, doesn’t mean that it’s the sex you want to be having!

Resolution for these couples begins with the lower desire person getting clearer about the value of their opinions and deeply held principles and then standing firm in them – generally a tall order for people. The high desire partner’s work begins a bit differently with answering the questions: Why am I desperate for more of the same? What am I really looking for during sex? How am I getting in the way of the intimacy I’m seeking? The opportunity for each partner is an opportunity for growth – for pushing past individual limitations. The focus isn’t on "fixing" your partner or trying to get your partner to "lay off". The focus is on self. As Victor Frankl so eloquently stated, "When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves."

(Please note:  The ideas in this article have been developed and researched by Drs. David Schnarch, Ruth Morehouse, and Susan Regas.  You can read about Dr. Schnarch's work further in his books, Passionate Marriage and Resurrecting Sex.  Audio CD's Secrets of A Passionate Marriage are also highly recommended.)

Fusion Confusion

           Most couples arrive in therapy feeling a great sense of disconnection with their partners.  People are often feeling lonely, sad, and frustrated with this sense that they cannot connect on any level with their partner.  Pop-culture and even many therapies characterize the problem as one of disconnection.  The solution that would naturally come from this way of thinking about the problem is to push for more togetherness – date nights, more talking, back rubs, finding ways to “meet each other’s needs, etc. 

But what if the problem is slightly more complicated than “we aren’t connected enough”?  Couples that I work with come into my office saying how distant their relationship has become – but the tension between them is enormous.  They can’t have a discussion with their partner without having some kind of emotional reaction like wanting to fix their partner’s problems or resenting their partner for not understanding them.  This does not speak of a lack of connection – but of a very intense and emotionally dependent one.  The invisible ties that bind people together create an intensity that makes talking and listening more challenging than they have to be.

            When I suggest this to people for the first time the common response is to say, “But I feel so disconnected”.  And I agree wholeheartedly.  When people have this intense of a link to each other connecting freely and openly becomes impossible. Individuality is lost.  Emotional fusion is the name of the game and it is a confusing and lonely place to be.

            Resolution is a life long process called differentiation.  It is a different kind of connecting in marriage.  It is an ability to maintain autonomy in the context of togetherness.  It is the ability to hold on to your emotional reactions and yourself in the presence of your partner’s own reactivity.  It is one of the most difficult things we do as adults but it is what distinguishes us from children, should we choose this path. 
            (Please note:  The concept of emotional fusion was first developed by Murray Bowen, the father of family and marriage counseling.  The idea has been further by the work of Dr. David Schnarch and can be read about in the afore mentioned books and CD's)